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HOW TO STOP FIGHTING WITH YOUR WIFE OR HUSBAND

 

 

Copyright February 17, 2005 6:37 AM CST

By Dr. Michael J. Bisconti

Reviewed By Dr. Perry Vitelli

 

Updated November 30, 2009 12:00 AM CST

Copyright November 30, 2009 12:00 AM CST

By Dr. Michael J. Bisconti

Reviewed By Dr. Perry Vitelli

 

 

 

Above all else, the L. F. Nexus recommends that you do everything in your power to hold your marriage together.

 

There may be circumstances where the following advice does not contain the precise course of action to take.  In this case, revise the relevant, recommended course of action appropriately.  In addition, Christian marriage and family counselling will be helpful in many situations.  Finally, prayer, Bible reading, and church attendance, separately and together as a family, will help to prevent fights between you and your wife or husband.

 

 

There are many possible reasons why you fight with your wife or husband.  Here are those reasons and HOW TO OVERCOME THEM.

 

 

IMPAIRED JUDGMENT

 

REASON:  Your judgment is impaired.  This could have several causes:

 

·         You haven’t gotten enough sleep.

·         You have been drinking.

·         You have been taking drugs.

 

SOLUTION:  Get enough sleep.  Stop drinking.  Stop taking drugs.

 

 

HABIT

 

REASON:  Many couples have been fighting for so many years that they have formed a habit of fighting.

 

SOLUTION:  Before you start fighting, consciously recite in your mind why you are fighting.  If you cannot, then, you are fighting out of habit.  Stop it.

 

 

INCORRIGIBILITY (CANNOT CHANGE)

 

REASON:  You don’t have the willpower to stop fighting.

 

SOLUTION:  You are suffering from a delusion.  The delusion is that you lack the necessary willpower.  Face reality…you have the willpower.  You can stop; so, stop.

 

 

DOUBLE INCORRIGIBILITY (DOUBLE “CANNOT CHANGE”)

 

REASON:  You know you have the power to stop fighting but you still fail to do so.

 

SOLUTION:  God wants you to fight.  However, you must keep the fight reasonable.  Reasonable means that you do not physically attack your partner and you do not cause your partner unnecessary emotional distress.

 

 

PHYSICAL WEAKNESS

 

REASON:  You don’t have the physical strength to hold yourself back from fighting.

 

SOLUTION:  Start getting enough sleep, eating right, and getting enough physical activity.

 

 

SIN

 

REASON:  You are not a good person.  You don’t care about doing what is right.  You don’t care about God.  You don’t care about your family.  You don’t care about your wife or husband.  You don’t care about your children.

 

SOLUTION:  STOP IT!

 

 

INDIFFERENCE

 

REASON:  You DON’T CARE that you are not a good person.  You DON’T CARE that you don’t care about doing what is right.  You DON’T CARE that you don’t care about God.  You DON’T CARE that you don’t care about your family.  You DON’T CARE that you don’t care about your wife or husband.  You DON’T CARE that you don’t care about your children.

 

SOLUTION:  STOP IT!

 

 

DOUBLE INDIFFERENCE

 

REASON:  You want to care but you cannot bring yourself to care.

 

SOLUTION:  God does not want you to care.  God wants you to fight.  However, you must keep the fight reasonable.  Reasonable means that you do not physically attack your partner and you do not cause your partner unnecessary emotional distress.

 

 

LOSS OF SELF-CONTROL

 

REASON:  You are under too much pressure to meet one or more needs.  This relates most often to the need for money and needs related to one’s love life.

 

SOLUTION:  At the first sign of loss of self-control, walk away.

 

 

UNREASONABLE WIFE OR HUSBAND

 

REASON:  Human beings are not necessarily saints.  Your husband or wife can be plain unreasonable.

 

SOLUTION:  If your wife or husband is being unreasonable, walk away.

 

 

NO TIME TO “WALK AWAY”

 

REASON:  There is a problem that has to be solved immediately.  You have no time to walk away.

 

SOLUTION:  If your wife is being unreasonable, tell her, “Be quiet.  Here is what we are going to do.”  If your husband is being unreasonable and it is a trivial matter, tell him, “You are right dear.”  If your husband is being unreasonable and it is a serious matter, tell him, “That’s enough, mister.  Here is what we are going to do.”

 

 

FEAR OF BEING PHYSICALLY ATTACKED

 

REASON:  Your husband or wife, verbally and/or nonverbally, threatens to attack you physically.  In response, you want them to know that you are ready to defend yourself.  Therefore, you take an angry and aggressive stance.

 

SOLUTION:  Maintain your stance but immediately attempt to diffuse the situation.  Your wife or husband is not in a state of mind where they will listen to reason.  Therefore, you need to use psychology on them.  Tell them, “You know what, dear, you are right.  I’m sorry.”  After things cool down and your wife or husband is away from home, call the police and get a court order prohibiting your spouse from returning home.

 

 

YOU HAVE BEEN PHYSICALLY ATTACKED

 

REASON:  You have been physically attacked.  Possibly, you were slapped in the face or punched in the chest.  Therefore, you are enraged and are ready to fight with your husband or wife.

 

SOLUTION:  Your wife or husband is not in a state of mind where they will listen to reason.  Therefore, you need to use psychology on them.  Tell them, “You know what, dear, you are right.  I’m sorry.”  After things cool down and your wife or husband is away from home, call the police and get a court order prohibiting your spouse from returning home.

 

 

YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE PHYSICALLY RESTRAINS YOU SO THAT YOU CANNOT “WALK AWAY”

 

REASON:  You are enraged and want to fight back.

 

SOLUTION:  You have reason to fight back.  However, your husband or wife is in an irrational state of mind and winning any argument will be impossible.  Therefore, you need to use psychology on them.  Tell them, “You know what, dear, you are right.  I’m sorry.”  After things cool down and your wife or husband is away from home, call the police and get a court order prohibiting your spouse from returning home.

 

 

FEAR OF ENDING THE MARRIAGE

 

REASON:  You are afraid that if you don’t fight back, your husband or wife will think you don’t care enough about your marriage and will leave you.

 

SOLUTION:  If your husband or wife requires you to fight with them to maintain your marriage, they are, of course, mistaken.  Don’t fight with them.  If they leave you, they are not worthy of you and you are better off without them.  See also How To Avoid Or End Marital Separation Or Divorce.

 

 

FEAR OF HURTING THE CHILDREN THROUGH DIVORCE

 

REASON:  You are afraid that if you don’t fight back, your husband or wife will think you don’t care enough about your marriage and will leave you.  Your concern stems from your concern about the harmful effect a divorce would have on your children.

 

SOLUTION:  If your husband or wife requires you to fight with them to maintain your marriage, they are, of course, mistaken.  Don’t fight with them.  If they leave, yes, your children will be hurt.  However, your children might be hurt more if they don’t leave.  See also How To Avoid Or End Marital Separation Or Divorce and How To Raise Your Children.

 

 

FEAR OF HURTING THE CHILDREN THROUGH STAYING MARRIED

 

REASON:  You are afraid that if you don’t fight back, your husband or wife will NOT leave you.  Your fear stems from your concern for the negative influence they are having on your children.

 

SOLUTION:  Don’t fight back.  If they won’t leave you, apply the principles at How To Avoid Or End Marital Separation Or Divorce to determine whether you, accompanied by your children, should leave them.  If you leave your husband or wife, yes, your children will be hurt.  However, your children might be hurt more if you don’t leave.  See also How To Raise Your Children.

 

 

FEAR OF SUFFERING EMOTIONALLY

 

REASON:  Your husband or wife, verbally and/or nonverbally, threatens to wound you emotionally.  In response, you want them to know that you are ready to emotionally defend yourself.  Therefore, you take an angry and aggressive stance.

 

SOLUTION:  Maintain your stance but immediately attempt to diffuse the situation.  Your wife or husband is not in a state of mind where they will listen to reason.  Therefore, you need to use psychology on them.  Tell them, “You know what, dear, you are right.  I’m sorry.”  After things cool down and your wife or husband is away from home, go to stay with your parents or a friend, taking your children with you if you have any.

 

 

EMOTIONAL SUFFERING

 

REASON:  Your husband or wife wounds you emotionally.  In response, you want them to know that you are ready to emotionally get even.  Therefore, you take an angry and aggressive stance.

 

SOLUTION:  Maintain your stance but immediately attempt to diffuse the situation.  Your wife or husband is not in a state of mind where they will listen to reason.  Therefore, you need to use psychology on them.  Tell them, “You know what, dear, you are right.  I’m sorry.”  After things cool down and your wife or husband is away from home, go to stay with your parents or a friend, taking your children with you if you have any.

 

 

MENTAL HANDICAP

 

REASON:  This is different from impaired judgment.  The problem here is that you simply do not have sufficient intelligence to deal with one or more problems.

 

SOLUTION:  If your wife or husband is smarter than you, they should handle the problems.

 

 

FAMILY INTERFERENCE

 

REASON:  One or more family members have been whispering in your ear about the failings of your wife or husband.

 

SOLUTION:  TELL YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS TO “SHUT UP!”

 

 

MARITAL REGRET

 

REASON:  You regret that you got married and, as a result, you blame your wife or husband for your unhappiness.

 

SOLUTION:  Grow up!  You made your bed.  Now sleep in it!  (No pun intended.)

 

 

(FOR WIVES ONLY) YOUR HUSBAND WON’T LEAD

 

REASON:  Your husband won’t take the leadership in the marriage.  He expects you to make all of the major decisions.  He expects you to discipline the children by yourself.

 

SOLUTION:  Tell your husband to change or you will leave him.  If he doesn’t change, tell him a second time that if he doesn’t change you will leave him.  If he still doesn’t change, apply the principles at How To Avoid Or End Marital Separation Or Divorce to determine whether you should leave your husband.  See also Is the Husband The Boss of the Wife? and The Good Husband.

 

 

(FOR HUSBANDS ONLY) YOUR WIFE WON’T FOLLOW

 

REASON:  Your wife refuses to cooperate with your leadership of your family.

 

SOLUTION:  Tell your wife to change or you will leave her.  If she doesn’t change, tell her a second time that if she doesn’t change you will leave her.  If she still doesn’t change, apply the principles at How To Avoid Or End Marital Separation Or Divorce to determine whether you should leave your wife.  See also Is the Husband The Boss of the Wife?

 

 

HORMONES

 

REASON:  Your wife is going through her monthly hormonal changes.

 

SOLUTION:  THIS IS NOT A CAUSE OF FIGHTS BETWEEN HUSBANDS AND WIVES.  IT IS SIMPLY SOMETHING THAT MAY MAKE IT EASIER FOR FIGHTS TO OCCUR.

 

 

MITIGATION

 

REASON:  A person, including a wife or husband, may start a fight in order to mask some other, more severe pain or distress they are feeling.

 

SOLUTION:  Find out what the pain or distress is and do something to relieve or end it.

 

 

LACK OF BREATHING ROOM

 

REASON:  You are getting too much of each other.

 

SOLUTION:  God did not create us to be in the constant company of any other human being every moment of our lives.  Everyone needs time by themselves.  Get away.  Go to the store.  Go to a movie.  Go to the library.

 

 

ACCIDENTAL FIGHTING

 

REASON:  This is something like habit.  However, you have already broken the habit.  This is a RELAPSE into the bad habit.

 

SOLUTION:  Just know that this is possible so that, if it occurs, you will be able to recognize it and be able to stop yourself from fighting.